To be a refugee is to be different from everyone else

The moment my dad died in the bombing is burned in my memories. I was so shocked, I didn’t expect to lose him because of the war. I fainted when I heard the news. I remember crying and my family hitting my face and pouring water on me. I heard them trying to talk to me, but I couldn’t wake up.

On the first anniversary of his death, I stayed at home to watch the sky and cry. I can’t forget that time. My little sister was only 5 months old at the time, and she doesn’t remember anything about him. They were hard years for me as a teenager, I had to process losing my dad and I had to work to earn money for my family. I didn’t want my children to go through what I went through; I want them to be safe.

After Assad entered the countryside, he said support me or get out. They wanted to take our men to serve in the Syrian army. We rejected him so he bombed us. We were sick, there was no food entering the area. They cut off our basic provisions. There was a lot of injustice. We lost our house, and I lost my dad and uncle to the bombing campaign. Eastern Ghouta was cut off from Damascus and besieged from every direction. The regime stopped our supplies. Electricity, water, gas, wheat, fuel and all the basics of living were cut off. We had no bread or sugar; we only had some vegetables we planted at home and animal food.

I tried to focus on doing different activities with the children to distract them. The regime never stopped targeting us and I saw a lot of death.

To help the local population and ensure children didn’t miss out on their education, some doctors opened an International Red Crescent point in our area and used it as a children’s facility. I was their first volunteer. I used to work in a laboratory and as a teacher, but schools were closed because of the bombings, and they had to move underground but the lack of light and the allergies we had because of the humidity made it difficult. I tried to focus on doing different activities with the children to distract them. The regime never stopped targeting us and I saw a lot of death.

I met my husband through the Red Crescent where he was also a volunteer. We worked together and ended up falling in love. We used to do a lot of activities for the children, especially those who were deaf. We tried to support psychologically as best as we could through programmes and activities. We wanted to see the children smile. The war disrupted everything. Before the war, my husband had been in his first year of university studying economics. He had to stop after his first year because he was on the wanted list. I had to stop my education as well when the siege started and the roads between Eastern Ghouta and Damascus were blocked. I was only four subjects away from completing university and it’s my dream to be able to finish.

Every woman dreams of having a big wedding, but I lost this or should I say it was stolen… I used to dream of a beautiful wedding dress, but mine was simple. Only my mother and 5 of my closest friends were at the wedding.

There was a violent campaign of bombings and chemical warfare in Eastern Ghouta which displaced us to Idlib. Before we left, my husband asked me to get married and he proposed. It was a beautiful moment in the middle of the war. He left his parents in Eastern Ghouta to go to Idlib with me. We were married 3 months later. Every woman dreams of having a big wedding, but I lost this or should I say it was stolen. My husband stood by me saying everything will be fine. Some nights I cried so much but he supported me. I used to dream of a beautiful wedding dress, but mine was simple. Only my mother and 5 of my closest friends were at the wedding.

When we reached Idlib, the Assad regime didn’t leave us. They bombed Idlib as well and it’s still ongoing. Assad has taken a lot of the area. When he started bombing again, we decided we had to leave. I wanted a safe life for my child.

I was 7 months pregnant when we tried to travel to Turkey with smugglers. I wanted to be safe and away from all the bombings when I gave birth. We paid the smuggler a lot of money to get to Turkey. We tried many, many times to cross the border. Once the smugglers took all the money we paid them, some of which we had to borrow, and never got back to us. It took us a long time to enter Turkey.

On another occasion, when we were trying to cross, we were caught by the Turkish Border Police. At the border, a military camera caught us trying to cross. Soldiers aimed at us and shot. We heard the guns, and I could see them shooting between my legs. I was 8 months pregnant at the time, and I screamed because I was so scared. We fell to the ground, hoping they would stop shooting. They swore at us and shouted at us.

My husband yelled at him to stop because I was pregnant, the soldier saw me and then took us to jail with others who had entered illegally. I remember how cold it was and being put in a cell with young men. I tried to sit on the bed, but it was wet with rainwater. The soldiers took our memory cards, which had all our pictures and videos on them. All my memories from Eastern Ghouta were taken. They also took my bag and broke my husband’s phone.

I felt afraid for my husband, all the teenagers were beaten but when he came for my husband, I told him not to. I think he might have felt some sort of pity towards me when he saw I was pregnant and how pale I was.

I fainted that night, but they didn’t take me to the doctors, they just gave us some yoghurt. After I ate, I managed to get some energy back. We stayed in that jail overnight and in the morning the Head of the station visited the cell. He looked over everyone in the cell and saw young teenagers and then me with my husband. He dragged one of the teenagers out and started beating him. I felt afraid for my husband, all the teenagers were beaten but when he came for my husband, I told him not to. I think he might have felt some sort of pity towards me when he saw I was pregnant and how pale I was.

He broke everyone’s phones and took us back to Bab al-Hawa border. By this time, I was tired. The border region was so cold and there was no food. We had to wait in between trees, cross through rivers, wait in mountains and try to cross fences built by Turkey to prevent people from crossing. I decided it was enough, I didn’t want to try anymore. I just wanted peace for my baby.

We went back to Idlib, and the people were very generous and kind to us. They helped us with housing and opened their houses to everyone. We couldn’t stay with them for long though and we looked for a room in another city and I gave birth there. My first birth was a very lonely experience, and it was difficult. I went to the hospital, but it wasn’t a professional experience. I suffered so much but when I look at my baby now, I’m happy. I had given birth, but I wanted to raise my baby somewhere safe. We were in Afrin, which was under Turkish control and there were so many bombs in cars and in markets. We still weren’t safe, and it didn’t feel like home. It was a nightmare for us to live through more bombings. I wanted to try once more to enter Turkey, for my baby’s safety.

Once, when I was in Eastern Ghouta, I was interviewed by the BBC and CNN. They wanted to ask about the situation of refugees when they leave the country. One of the journalists helped me raise money to pay to enter the border immediately without any danger, but they warned me it would cost a lot of money and we’d have to stay silent. I was scared because I had a new-born baby with me, and I didn’t know when he would cry. I was so worried about making the trip but a few days earlier, right under my house there had been a car bomb, so I took the money and entered Turkey.

I felt like Turkey was a good place for us but our difficulties as refugees aren’t over.

We need an ID card which shows we are refugees, but when we asked about getting one, we were told all the states in Turkey were full.

That was the first time I had properly left Syria, but I didn’t have anything with me. We lost our money and belongings and we had to stay with relatives. We couldn’t rent a property. We’ve faced a lot of problems since we’ve come to Turkey. We need an ID card which shows we are refugees, but when we asked about getting one, we were told all the states in Turkey were full. We wanted to leave Istanbul and go far from here, but they say you must have a house here to get an ID.

 When I hear planes in the sky, I have to remind myself that they aren’t war planes, they’re passenger planes.

We can’t rent anything here with the ID card. We can find work and stay with relatives, but if they catch us, we’d be sent back to Syria. When we do work, our pay is low compared to Turkish workers. It’s hard to survive with rent and bills, especially if something suddenly arises. My husband broke his arm and he had to leave work and stay at home, but the treatment requires money. When my husband was looking for work, no one helped him because he is Syrian. He’s had no work in the last 2 years and it’s been very hard but we’re safe from the bombings. When I hear planes in the sky, I have to remind myself that they aren’t war planes, they’re passenger planes.

Turkish people say we’re taking salaries from the government. They say Syrians should go back home and they have no houses to rent us. I was so stressed by everything in Turkey that I ended up giving birth to my second child early. They were so cruel when they saw me suffering from labour pains. When I was giving birth, they refused me admission in the hospital despite my urgent situation. They said either show us your ID or pay us money. They wanted to see my Turkish ID, but I don’t have one. I had to borrow money to give birth in the hospital. They didn’t show us any mercy, they could see I was fainting from the pain of childbirth, but they didn’t help. My silver lining was my mother. She was with us in Istanbul and was able to witness the birth of my daughter. I was so happy.

I would like to complete my studies here, but the price of education is expensive. I’ve been trying to learn Turkish when my babies are asleep but it’s difficult. In the future, I hope we can get asylum in Europe. I want to complete my studies; I want a good future for my kids, and I want us to live a better life to forget the bad years. We don’t have a house in Turkey, I dream of having my own house in Europe.

To be a refugee is to be different from everyone else. When people see us, they think they can take away all our rights. As refugees, we have no rights, and we are away from our country. I didn’t know what a refugee was before I became one. I want to go back to Syria, but I can’t until The Assad regime falls. I want to travel everywhere, but I can’t. I have a passport, but I can’t go anywhere. I hope the war in Syria ends and the Assad regime falls so we can return to our country and rebuild it. I want refugees to be able to go home. People don’t like each other, there is racism everywhere and as a refugee it is very difficult.

 The countries that support the Assad regime are supporting a criminal. Please stop supporting him and stand with the Syrian people.

I want people to know refugees are human but that we were forced to leave our countries. We are not weak, and we have the same rights as everyone else, but our situation made us refugees – it wasn’t in our hands. The countries that support the Assad regime are supporting a criminal. Please stop supporting him and stand with the Syrian people. We want them to stop this war and we want Russia out. We want to rebuild our country.

The Syrian people haven’t known peace since the war began. We want to relax when we sleep and not fear being shot at or being bombed. I still have nightmares about bombings and war planes. I was so afraid. I lived hard moments like this during the war where I saw my death. We want peace and safety, and we would like to return once the Assad regime falls.